I was hitch hiking across country with some companions and we stopped at a bar in Brownsville Texas to make a phone call. Sitting in a corner table was Carl Jung. He had a almost full bottle of blended tequila in front of him and two glasses. I asked him about the collective unconscious. He said “See this room—with the tables? The tables are people’s egos.” I looked about the room and there were many tables. Some were clean but others had people sitting at them with different plates and glasses and condiments. He then continued. “The collective id is the floor.” I absorbed and then asked a question: “What about G-d?” Carl smiled and said “This table is your theology, your scripture.” He filled the glasses with tequila and continued, “and G-d is the floor.”

So one day I decided that my principles were the embodiment of truth and so I needed a new leader who could fight for them without distraction so I nominated my hamster, Jake, to be president. He was reluctant at first but I bribed him with peanuts. It was a tough campaign to get Jake elected because he really didn’t have the background to be president but he was pretty good at being squirrelly about his past. I created a Twitter account for him and en-massed a cadre of social mediums to constantly echo patriotic platitudes like ‘Slavery is Freedom’ while wearing a red hat. Of course it worked and now we can throw whatever ideology we want at the wall to see if it sticks. The only problem though is that the only thing Jake seems to care about are peanuts.